What would you do if you weren't afraid to fail?

I’ve been spending a lot of time creating content for my popular Dream Bigger Goal Setting Program. While I was working on a unique daily planner yesterday (something special I’m putting together for the incredible humans enrolled in the program), I added a question in the introduction section of the planner that I love asking my clients and students.

What would you do if you weren’t afraid to fail?

The answers to that question are often out of the ordinary. When asked, some clients or students tell me they would simply aim for small changes in their lives, while others would go after big dreams. Although everyone has their own personal focus, and most answers are different, there are some things that are true for almost everyone. If they weren’t afraid to fail…

They would all gain confidence and believe in themselves

Knowing that you cannot fail takes away the fear, full-stop. It’s that simple. And, the consequences are pretty amazing. All of a sudden, things that look daring and big and unattainable become normal and totally doable, and you have no doubt that they are meant for you — and that you can and will indeed have what it is that you want.

Their goals wouldn’t really change, but they would jump more easily to achieve them

Almost none of my students or clients ever decide to go for other goals and dreams, rather than the ones they had already set for themselves. The big difference is that they believe that, if they cannot fail, they can go for them faster, without being so careful and without weighing all the options so much. And why not, right? When something is a sure thing, there’s no point in waiting – or being cautious for that matter!

They are all at least a little afraid

And who wouldn’t be, when working on their goals and designing the life they want? It would be so great to know that we cannot fail, but unfortunately we cannot escape uncertainty. And because the outcomes of our efforts is uncertain, and sometimes what we undertake asks so much of us (time, energy, commitment, effort, sacrifice… to name a few), it’s absolutely normal to have fears and moments of doubt.

I’ve become an avid goal-setting and dream pursuer, and I’ve been in business for more than 20 years. Still, I have doubts and fears, and moments when I’m not sure anymore, or times when uncertainty creeps up on me when I expect it the least. And I’m sure you do, too.

But, my guess is that when it comes to your big goals and dreams, most of all you’re afraid to fail. You’re looking at that big mountain in front of you, and you wonder: what if I don’t make it? What if I don’t succeed?

1. Learn to live your life fearlessly

If you know my personal story, you know I’ve had my share of fears over the years, but at some point I decided I wouldn’t let them rule my life anymore.

Now, I’m not here to say you need to live your life without fear, but I am saying you need to live it fearlessly! Fear is an ancient and primal emotion that has allowed the human race to survive. As such, it’s a powerful emotion. It has protected us from the unsafe and the unpredictable for centuries, and it has allowed us to thrive.

2. Take note of your flight reflex

But while we’ve evolved, this raw protective instinct of fight or flight did not. And while there might have been a lot of fighting in earlier times, when fear shows up today, we mostly want to run away.

• Like when we know we need to have “the conversation” with someone we care about, but we would rather do anything but.

• Or when we’re undertaking a big dream and things are not going the way we want them to. We expect a certain result (maybe some sales numbers in your business, or validation for your expertise, or recognition as an artist), but something else happens. With a lot of us — I’m no exception, believe me — when that happens, we would love nothing more than to run away from it all. There’s that flight instinct again!

And yes, you’ve got it right, this flight reflex is very present in our lives. More than you’re aware of, I’m sure. Take note of your reactions to situations for a few days, and you’ll get what I mean. It’s everywhere.

But what’s important to understand is that your fear is not against you. It’s just terribly overprotective (and really loves to run too).

3. Embrace your fears, and do it anyway

Elizabeth Gilbert calls this emotion “Grandfather Fear”. She says to it: “I know you’re scared because I’m going to expansively do something with an uncertain outcome, but we’re going to do it anyway.“

So when fear shows up, don’t take flight. But instead, think about what you would do if you weren’t afraid to fail. Then use that knowledge and confidence to do it anyway.

And when things get tough, remind yourself that being courageous is not being without fear, but rather believing deeply that your happiness lies on the other – fearless side – of life.

How to get over impatience when setting or achieving goals

I was recently asked what I do to overcome impatience when I’m working on my goals or in the process of achieving them. Because keeping at it for a year – as I do and as I teach, encourage and guide my students to do in my goal-setting program – can certainly leave you feeling impatient at times.

The first thing that I want to address about this question is the concept of impatience. I consider myself to be a rather patient person, and yet, especially when my goals are concerned, that’s not always the side of me that shows up.

And what’s more, I know I am bound to experience impatience at one moment or another this year, and so are you. Just like we’ll all experience uncertainty, fear, insecurity, and perhaps even despair when it comes to achieving our most precious goals.

When you are actively designing your life – which is precisely what you do when you decide to set goals and work towards them – you will need reassurance sometimes that things will work out, and you’ll want things to move faster than they are – I can promise you that much.

Although we’re pretty good at delayed gratification, and although being able to wait for what it is that we want has been one of the key elements for our success as a species, sometimes we simply need to see the rewards of all of our hard work. And to see it now! But isn’t that normal? I mean, when you put a lot of time and effort into something, don’t you want to see results? Of course you do, delayed gratification or not!

So when it happens to you, don’t worry about it or be ashamed of it or to try and dismiss it. On the contrary, when you feel impatient, allow that emotion to exist and flow through you, so that it can pass. And once it does, get back to work.

The second thing I want you to consider is the many sources from which impatience can arise. It might be that the goal you are working towards is necessary for you to get out of a situation that you don’t to be in, like when you start a new business and you’re still working a day job until it’s profitable enough for you to quit.

Or it might be that impatience comes from the people around you, who don’t believe in you. And you want nothing more than to show those people how wrong they are, and how great you’re doing with your goals!

Or it might be that you have doubts and fears, and when results are not what you expect them to be, you start to worry.

In all these cases – and many more, I’m sure – impatience can set in. But when that happens, it’s important to remember the big picture: your end goal.

A great way to do this is to do a review of how far you’ve already come. The reason this helps is because, when we are looking to see results, we’re often so focused on the big stuff that we forget all the little steps we’ve taken already. A big result is often the end product of a long series of very small results. So make a list, recount all the things you’ve already achieved, and all that you’ve done, and remember that list or go back to it when you feel impatience creeping up on you.

Another thing you can do when impatience sets in is do something that you know will show immediate results. Be unreasonable with your goal for once, step away from your plan, and instead of taking another small step, take a bold one this time. This does not mean that you have to quit the day job, but perhaps there’s something that you can do for your goal that you know will have a big impact. Like when you’ve been contemplating to paint that room in your favorite color, but you’re still figuring out what that color is, exactly. Instead of focusing on color, why don’t you clean out the room and get it ready to be painted?

Or maybe there’s something you’ve been scared to do, or been thinking about but feel it’s too soon. Like sharing your big goal with someone, and telling them your vision so that they can dream of it with you. Whatever the case, I invite you to just do it. Calling in results like this will counteract your feelings of impatience – even if it’s not the end point of the goal itself, at least it will be an undeniable milestone that will bring your impatience to rest.

And, finally, it might be that you simply need a break. And maybe you have to do nothing for once, or sit in front of the TV and watch a movie for a while. Sometimes we need fresh air and a change of scenery for impatience to go away. Or we need to get it sidetracked by doing something entirely different. So if you know this is the case with you, take a rest and show yourself some love. After that, you’ll be less impatient and more energized, so that you can get working on your goals again.

But whatever the case, I choose to see impatience as a sign that I’m in action. And when I’m able to remember that, I feel good and proud, even when I have fears or doubts or when I’m not sure about my goals at all anymore.

Because by being in action, I’m the designer of my life, the captain of my ship, and despite impatience, I know I need that to be happy.

Ready to take action too? Why not start with a free 30-minute coaching session? I can’t wait to dream with you!

How to forgive yourself for making mistakes

During a coaching call this week, a client asked an important question about mistakes. We were tackling the subject of self-love and how important it is to remain your own best friend and to be caring for yourself, especially when you are working towards your goals. And that made her think of how terrible she feels when she makes mistakes, and how hard it is for her to forgive herself for them, let alone love herself through them.

I feel that this is such a widespread issue, and one surrounded by a lot of shame, so that I need to write about it, and provide you with the perspective that I gave her. I believe we don’t talk about our mistakes nearly enough. And when we do, we always do so in a very negative way. But who can blame us?

We’ve been thought to feel ashamed for our mistakes and to feel bad for making them. As if there’s a state in which we could exist that would be mistake-free.

But feeling bad for making mistakes is nothing more than another illusory state our society has thought up for us to aspire to: like being a size zero, or being able to have both a perfect career and a perfect family with perfect kids, and be happy all the time about it, too… or like, in this case, living a totally mistake-free existence. It’s just not possible.

But just because perfection isn’t possible doesn’t mean we have to dread our mistakes or feel ashamed of them. Not always. Making mistakes can be a good thing sometimes, and a necessary step towards new skills, or new knowledge, or even new perspectives about things. And even when the mistakes have rather negative consequences, like losing a significant amount of money due to a bad business decision or hurting other people because of something that we did, they’re usually not as bad as we make them out to be.

So, here are a few things to consider when you’re beating yourself up about a mistake you made.

Ask yourself, what’s the worst that could happen? Very often, we play catastrophe scenarios in our heads when we’ve made a mistake. What is everyone going to think about us? How are we going to survive it? These are just a few of the things that our inner critic loves to throw at us when we’ve made a mistake. And that’s why it’s so important to stop for a minute and take a breather. And ask yourself, what’s the worst that could happen? In most cases, you’ll realize that what your inner critic is telling you comes straight out of a sci-fi movie, and that the consequences of your mistake are really not what you make them out to be.

People really don’t think about you that much. Our inner critic really loves to be in the spotlight. That is why she makes us believe that other people are always talking and thinking about us. Truth be told, they aren’t. They have their own lives, their own problems, and most certainly their own mistakes to deal with before they have time to think about us. Remember this when you think the world is going to end and someone is never going to forgive you for what you did. Chances are, they’ve already almost forgotten about it.

Making mistakes mean you are in action. I love to tell my clients to cheer for their mistakes, because those mistakes are a living proof that my clients are in action. And I’ll take action over inaction every single day. Try to use mistakes as a positive reminder of you working towards something, and trying to achieve things. You’ll feel better about them instantly, I promise.

Making mistakes simply means you’re human. Making mistakes doesn’t only mean you’re in action; it also means you’re human. And how beautiful is that? The human experience has many colors and shades, and making mistakes is part of that. It’s a reminder that life is fragile, that goals are worth pursuing, and that the journey you’re on means something to you.

By embracing your mistakes as a part of who you are, you’ll be able to deal with them much better, forgive yourself for making them, and love yourself through them. Because mistakes are not just something to avoid.

Of course, we hope we won’t make many and that, if we do, the consequences will be limited. But making mistakes is part of the game of life and business, and if you’re not making any, that means you’re not playing. It’s just like with the omelet; don’t be afraid to break some eggs.

How to love yourself more by letting go and being vulnerable

I’ve been thinking about giving and receiving a lot lately. Now that the holidays are approaching, and gifts and giving are all that shopping malls and adverts care to talk about, I’ve been wondering about what it means to really give – but most of all, what it means to really receive.

Because I believe that receiving, although it’s not easy, and although most of us are really not that good at it, teaches us how to love ourselves by asking us to let go and be vulnerable.

I’ve always been a giver. I think it’s part of my nature to give, for sure. But I also think that it’s a result of my upbringing and life experiences. Growing up, I wasn’t exposed to a lot of receiving. Giving was the word of the day back then, where I was expected to give by not complaining, by accepting circumstances, by forgetting unhappy experiences, and more generally by not receiving anything from the heart or that really mattered, except for the necessary food, shelter and clothes. As a result, giving became second nature, while receiving was so rare and uncommon that I grew out of knowing how to do it.

By not knowing how to receive, I didn’t really know how to love and be loved either. I became so good at giving, and it became such a big part of me, that I started associating giving with caring, and eventually with love. And somewhere through that process, I started giving so much that I lost the ability to love myself, too.

Then, because receiving had become so uncommon in my life, I started to rebel against it. When someone would give me something, I would feel so uncomfortable that I would try my hardest to avoid any situation that would force me to accept anything. This continued for a very long time, until I realized that giving had become a way of being for me – the only way I knew how to be seen and feel valued. Because I found that recognition through giving, the act became much more than simple gift-giving. I loved not to owe anything to anyone, but to be the one that was giving instead. And that also meant that I loved to be the one to care for others, and yet had a very hard time allowing anyone to care for me. Including myself.

When I understood this, something big shifted inside of me. I realized that I had been using giving as a shield to protect myself from getting hurt by not being seen. And I knew that if I wanted to change this, I needed to allow myself to receive. So I started practicing, in the hope that it would help me to learn how to love others, really love them, and eventually how to love and care for myself, too.

At first, it was hard – even starting with little things, like a favor someone wanted to do for me, or something someone offered to help me with. Being in the habit of giving, I felt my “tab” always needed to either be at zero or in my favor. So, having it the other way around was one of the first things I practiced.

Then, when I felt ready, I decided to let go of even more by accepting bigger gifts. Accepting friends who wanted to do something just because they loved me, or someone willing to help me out even if that meant a lot of work, like painting the living room white or coming to get me in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

By allowing myself to receive gifts like that, I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and this opened me up for love.

Because when it comes down to it, there simply can be no giving without receiving, as there can be no true love without vulnerability and letting go. And that goes for the love you have for yourself too. And more.

Your emotions are a strength, not a weakness. Here’s why.

If you’re a woman, and if you’ve ever shown what society claims to be too much emotion, you’ve probably been called unstable at one point or another in your life. I know I have.

For the biggest part of my life, I felt that my emotional life was one of my biggest weaknesses. The burden of this belief has weight heavily on me, for a long time, until I understood what a strength it actually is.

Early on, I realized that crying or expressing feelings wasn’t going to cut it at home, where emotions were something that didn’t belong. Later, I was led to believe the same thing when I started my professional career. The corporate world I was venturing into hardly had room for women, let alone for their emotions. I learned to do without, to hide my emotions most of the time. Only to show them sporadically, mostly to my romantic partners – who weren’t equipped at all to deal with them – which further reinforced my belief that emotions were a problem. That I had a problem.

That’s how I came to believe that hiding my emotions was a good thing, and that the palette of colourful feelings I was gifted with (hello highly sensitive empath!) had no place in the left-brain macho world I was living in. Although, I didn’t understand the world like that at the time. The only thing I could make of it back then was that it felt as if I didn’t belong.

From feeling like I didn’t belong, I took the next logical step and convinced myself that my emotions were a weakness. One that I should hide, and do everything I could to try, and correct. From there, it was easy to include my womanhood and femininity into the mix. I started to see those qualities as weaknesses too, and secretly wished I was born differently. For that would have made my life much easier.

We live in a world that has been dominated for centuries by left-brained thinking, science and technology. There is no room for emotions, intuition, or anything other than measurable quantities in that world. In such a world – that is, in the one we actually live in – we’re all being conditioned to be like that as well. To see emotions as a weakness, something that is not quantifiable. That must be hidden.

Now, after many years of trying to live up to this programming, I know emotions are not a weakness but a strength. I got curious, and questioned my beliefs. In the process, I realized that those beliefs didn’t work for me – and that I had the ability to choose something different for myself. My inner life, in all its beautiful, bright colours, emotions, feelings was waiting for me, ready to be born again.

By embracing my emotions, magical things happened…

First, I’ve been able to make deeper and more personal connections with people from around the world. Once I stopped being ashamed of my emotions, I stepped into my power full-force and learned a new way to connect with others, especially women. Instead of competing, I learned to collaborate. Instead of comparing, I learned to help and be happy for others. Instead of thinking I was all alone and needed to be strong all the time, I learned the power of community by allowing myself to receive friendship, love, compassion, and care.

Then, letting my emotions flow allowed me to start living a more meaningful life. When you’re separated from your emotions, there are no exceptions to which emotions get silenced. Even happiness and joy don’t come easily. By opening myself up to what I was feeling, I was able to experience these emotions more profoundly, which in turn makes my life so much more worth living.

On top of that, I’ve been able to infuse my businesses with new and better values. Although I’ve always been conscious of the good that I wanted to do through my work, I once approached building and running my businesses from a very left-brain perspective. There was no real heart in my work, and not enough love for the people doing the work with me. Things are different now. I consider my businesses to be extensions of myself and, as such, they’re now flowing with emotion. My businesses have hearts now.

Finally, allowing myself to express my emotions has made me know myself so much better. I love all the feelings that I have now, even the not-so-good ones. Because they’re the proof of how infinite life is and how much potential lies in every moment.

Having all of the above in my life doesn’t make me unstable. On the contrary – it grounds me. Gives me perspective and makes me care. For others, and for myself, too. But most of all, it allows me to love and feel… which, in the end, is the most important of all.

I invite you to embrace your emotions for the strengths that they are. The world needs them. It needs you. Desperately.

The Power of Limitless Thinking: Manifesting for Beginners

I love the word limitless. It speaks to me; it talks to my soul. It makes me believe that I can be and do anything I want and that there are no limits to what I can achieve. And I honestly believe that. I think it’s true. That there is nothing in this world that I couldn’t handle or achieve if I wanted to. And that’s why I love this word so much. It reminds me of the possibilities, even when all odds are against me.

I gave a talk once, explaining how I believed I could marry Brad Pitt – if I wanted to. I remember the girls and women in the audience looking at me and going, “Yeah, right,” but when I said it, I really believed it, and I still do now. To me, the possibilities that life offers are like the laws of physics. I don’t understand them all, and I don’t know them all either, but I do know they work and believe them to be true. Whenever an apple falls from a tree, or we launch a rocket into the sky, I’m reminded of those laws.

With limitless thinking, it’s the same thing.

To me, it’s a law just like the ones from Newton. The only difference is that this one is about us and not the world we live in. And what it says to me is pretty simple: believing in limitless thoughts makes you achieve limitless things.

I love that. So simple, yet so powerful. But I didn’t always use to think this, and nor did I always like the concept. For a long time, I believed that the world was small and that my place in it needed to be even smaller. I thought of all the things I wanted to do and say and be, yet I never believed I could achieve any of them. My thinking was not limitless; on the contrary, there were boundaries everywhere. I would dream about being me, living a life where I felt happy, fulfilled, and content to be who I was, yet I thought those goals were totally out of reach. My daily life was filled with beliefs about the world that limited me not only in my actions but also in the way I looked at myself and loved myself.

I was blocked and unable to move forward. In all honesty, I was miserable, too.

But, back to Brad Pitt. There I am, in an auditorium, speaking to college students and young women with opportunities ahead of them, and none of them believe me. They all immediately limit the thought I put into that room: you’re too short, you’re too old, you’re not Angelina, so he could never marry you. All of them are fair comments (it’s true, I’m not Angelina), yet only speculation. And that’s the problem. Who in that auditorium called Brad and asked him directly what he thought of the idea? And even if someone would have done that, marrying someone requires love (I hope), and that doesn’t happen overnight (well, it could, but it’s rare). So, this goal would need to be put in motion with many different actions, and if it were a real goal, I should keep at it for a while to reach it. But that’s okay, no issues there. I’m all up for that, and it might be worth it, too.

The problem is the limits we immediately put on our thinking. And the results that that impulse has on the size and horizon of our universe. I cannot say for sure that Brad wouldn’t marry me, except if I try.

Yet, when our dreams become big, we all immediately jump to conclusions and deny ourselves the opportunity. This makes our world small - very small.

Think of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Austrian bodybuilder who became one of the best action heroes of our time and the governor of California. But okay, enough with the guys. What about women like Amelia Earhart, who made history as an amazing adventurer and flyer, or Coco Chanel, to this day, one of the icons of style and fashion? What these women and all the other women and men who wrote history before us have in common is –  I believe – a muscle for limitless thinking. The biographies, movies, documentaries, and books about all these great people tell tales of thoughts that were greater than themselves that they couldn’t shake, and that kept them going forward, even when everyone was against them.

That is the power of limitless thinking. The limits we believe are all around us are not really there. 

Of course, there is order to be kept, and it’s important to respect and protect everyone’s freedom and life, but apart from those provisions, there are no limits to what you can achieve.

This realization came to me very slowly, and it took me a long time to grasp its whole meaning and potential. One day, I wondered if, instead of continuing to listen to beliefs that were keeping me and my life small, I could change my future and decide to live a life I really wanted to live instead. So, I pressed against the invisible boundaries I had set for myself and pushed through.

Once on the other side, after a lot of pushing and pressing and breaking through my own beliefs, I realized that, in fact, there are no limits at all, apart from the ones we create for ourselves. 

And so I developed my muscle for unlimited thinking. As a result, I have achieved amazing things, been to amazing places, met amazing people, and am living the most fantastic life, which I’m sure is so much better than being married to Brad Pitt.

Because that, too, is the power of limitless thinking. What we want changes over time, and the more we use the muscle, the more what looks impossible now will become part of our normal thought patterns in the future.

Never forget: everything you think is easy today, you once found hard to do. So think as big as you can. It’s only up to you to decide how limitless you want to live.

How to cultivate a procrastination-busting mindset

You are a multi-passion woman. You have many interests, and you want to achieve and learn so many things. It sometimes seems as if you have too many interests. And you feel you need to choose. But you don’t know what to choose, let alone how to do it. So you do nothing. You contemplate all that you want to be and do, but you do nothing. You procrastinate. Sound familiar?

I’ve been there, and I’ve looked at that mountain of things I wanted to achieve for many, many years.

Languages I wanted to learn, courses I wanted to take, things I wanted to build with my hands, creative endeavors I wanted to start, books I wanted to write, places I wanted to visit, experiences I wanted to have….  All the while, I was doing nothing, or at least not enough. And I kept putting things off based on small and insignificant excuses that I kept on telling myself to make myself feel better.

It was as if I was living two lives. The one I was in, where not a lot was happening and I felt I was out of place. And the life I was dreaming about in my mind – the one where I was doing all the things I knew I wanted to do, and where I was living all these amazing adventures and being who I really wanted to be. Until one day I decided that I could no longer just think about what it was I wanted, but needed to actually go get it, too.

And what a paradox that was. On the outside, I was very successful. I was an accomplished business woman, running large projects and esteemed by my peers. But on the inside I was called to do so many others things, always telling myself later, one day, when I grow up. But then one day I grew up. I was 35, and I realized I could keep waiting like this forever, or I could actually go out and start living. But to do that, I had to learn to beat the procrastination habit. Because that habit had been with me for so long that I didn’t know any other way.

Every time I looked at what I wanted to achieve and become, that mountain became bigger and bigger. And every time I gave it even only a tiny little glimpse, I feared climbing it more and more. But that was before. That was when I hadn’t taken any action yet. Once I did that, once I decided just to do one thing – anything, really – I set something in motion that led me to where I am today. For me, it was the day I decided to stop doing things the way I knew wasn’t working. I woke up, and that day for the first time I told someone that I wasn’t happy and that I was going to stir things up. That little step, just expressing that thought, was enough of an action to propel me towards change.

The day I did that, I started to cultivate a procrastination-busting mindset. And although it seemed like an almost impossible task then, now that I’m here, it sounds so easy. To cultivate a procrastination-busting mindset you have to do things and express thoughts. Because expressing a thought is as much doing something as lifting a box, writing in your journal or cooking dinner. You have to stop thinking about things too much, you have to avoid putting too many things on top of each other in your mind, and instead, you have to act out and express. Action drives change. Yes. But it kills procrastination too.

And yes, I hear you. You’re thinking: “Now, that sounds easy; if I knew how to get into action, I wouldn’t be procrastinating all the time”. And you are right. But you see, the secret to taking and being in action is simply, well… to start. And the secret to starting anything is to do it. And what I have found to be the secret of doing things – and I promise this is the last secret I’ll share today – is to take it one small step at a time. Because when you take enough of those steps, you go really, really far.

So the easiest way to cultivate a procrastination-busting mindset is to choose the tiniest of things to do on your dream to-do list, and to take action on that immediately.Procrastination hates it when you don’t wait to do things, but tackle them right away instead.

Another way to look at this is to tell yourself that whatever it is you’re going to do, you only have to do 5 minutes of it at a time. That’s all. After 5 minutes, you’re free to do whatever it is your procrastinating self wants to do. I guarantee you there is no better way to get you into action and working towards your dreams.

Now, of course there is much more to staying in action and keeping procrastination at bay. What do you do, for instance, when you feel paralyzed by too many choices? Or when there isn’t a small step to take, but only what looks like giant steps instead? I have developed techniques and systems to help with that and much more and I’m sharing all of it in my 3-week self-paced Dream Bigger Course. Feel free to check it out!